A letter to my father

A letter to my father

I’m writing this letter to my dad after his passing but the timing is OK for a few reasons. The first is that he was well aware of how I feel about him and this is written for everyone else to get a glimpse of what he was really like. The second reason is that it would have been really awkward reading all this to him while he was still alive. And finally, some of these insights and lessons are only coming clear to me now. As I think back of all the things he’s done and things he’s said, the way he handled himself throughout his life, even up to the very end, I’m always amazed at the man he is.

I also know, that he knows what he has accomplished in his life, because he lived his life in a very deliberate manor, carrying with him a code of honor that was passed down to him and all his siblings, by his father, his father’s father, and clearly a long line of honorable gentlemen before him. His kind of character is the kind that has to be instilled, developed and nurtured, by strong mentoring and by good example.

This is my tribute to my father.

Dear dad, I’d like to thank you, for all that you’ve done, and for all you’ve taught me. By watching you, and following you, I’ve learned so many valuable lessons in life and I know that I will probably understand many more as time passes and I remember how you dealt with different occurrences throughout life.

For now though, I’ve put together a list of some of the most important things you’ve taught me.

Number one on my list is honesty. You were an honest man and you made it clear that you expected it and appreciated it from others around you. You demanded it from us, your family. Sometimes, that level of honesty could be uncomfortable for some people, so you also taught me courtesy. You taught me that, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. I’ve seen you sit quietly through many interactions with others. Sometimes you barely talked at all, to certain people. 

You also taught me to be courteous with your actions, how to hold a door for another, to say “after you”. You told us to always say please and thank you and also to be aware of our actions, to be considerate of others. You were a true gentleman.

You taught me patience. I’m not a patient person by nature, but I practice it daily because you’ve shown me the rewards that come with being patient. Some of my greatest gifts in life have come after many years of practicing patience. Patience with people, patience with nature and patience with whatever life is bringing us.

You taught me courage, unwavering courage. The courage to face my fears, to try something new, to take a chance, to rise to a challenge and the courage to stick to my convictions.

You taught me responsibility. Responsibility to my family, in my community and for the results of my actions. That my actions would determine my future. Never to blame others for my results, but to take responsibility for them myself.

You taught me perseverance and conviction. That once you made your mind up to do something, to see it through. To never give up, or quit, just because it was hard. You taught me to choose something that I desired to achieve, and to develop the skill to accomplish it, and stick to it, and see it through. Because I’ve followed your advice, your example, I’ve never had a boring day in my life. A lot of challenges, a lot of frustration, but never boredom.

You taught me to overcome adversity. That obstacles are just a normal part of the process, and when you hit one, just pause, reassess, and continue on around it. When you hit an obstacle, it seemed like you took it on as a personal challenge. You always rose to the occasion, using even more cleverness and resourcefulness to overcome any adversity you ever encountered.

You taught me that skill is something you develop, not something you acquire. To get good at anything, it just took lots of focus and practice, and that learning never stops. There is no end goal in acquiring a skill, just a never ending quest towards excellence.

NOTHING’S IMPOSSIBLE! Those words still ring in my head, every time I hear someone say “I can’t, it’s impossible”. Of all the lessons you taught me, this one stands out the most. Probably because of the conviction in your voice when you said it. Nothing got under your skin more than hearing someone say “”that’s impossible” “NOTHINGS IMPOSSIBLE!” I’ve never heard any words come out of your mouth with more intensity than those, and I live by those words, “Nothing’s impossible”.

Pride, you taught me the true meaning of the word. Not boastfulness, not arrogance, but pride. How to take pride in your career, your workmanship and accomplishments. Also how to be proud of those you decide to surround yourself with, your friends, your family and your crew.

Humor, dang you were funny! But it was such a subtle kind of humor than it went right over many a person head. You had a very dry but very clever sense of humor. It was so ingrained in your personality that it just came out automatically, with barely a thought. You never made a big deal about it, never explained it to anyone, but you were funny as hell, and I almost always got it.

You also taught me sarcasm. Oh boy did you teach me that, and it was almost always at all our expenses. Your sarcasm was never mean spirited, just clever, witty and funny as all get out! The funniest thing about your humor is that it was never planned or rehearsed, or thought of in advance. It just rolled out of your mouth as naturally as taking a breath.

You taught me introspection. To think before you speak. Along with that crazy sense of humor, comes great responsibility. It took me a while to learn that lesson. Some things were better left unsaid. Sometimes you were really quiet, and sometimes I am too.

You taught me humility. With all your amazing skills, you were a very humble person. It’s no wonder so many people like you, why so many people love you.

You also taught me kindness. That it’s better to be kind, than to always try and be right.

You taught me how to love. When you loved someone, it was with all your heart. You loved our mom like no other could have. Yours was a love story of the ages. Now you are finally together again.

Along with that great love, you taught loyalty. You were fiercely loyal, to your lover, and to your family and friends

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You taught me faith, to have faith in our Father in Heaven. To have faith in life, that in the long run, everything will work out as intended. You taught me to have faith in myself, and in my potential.

You taught me honor. You honored your own parents with the greatest of revelry. And today, I honor you and mom, and I promise you, that your spirit will live on in us, your children. And that your lessons of being a person of integrity will carry on to the generations that follow us.

Thank you dad, for teaching me how to be a man.

Pain vs Reward

Why would anyone choose to show up somewhere everyday to get pushed beyond their physical limits, yelled at to do it again and again, then get punched, kicked, knee'd and twisted into submission, forced to "tap out" and do it over and over again? As MMA fighters, this is the question we have to answer most often. This question  is not one that is often asked by the general public. Few of them are aware of what really takes place in the gym preparing for the big events that so many love to watch. Most folks have no idea how much work goes into building an MMA career. This point is made only too clear by the casual fan who sits on his couch and firmly believes that he could hang with the average MMA fighter. There's also  the internet warriors who love to constantly bash and critique fighters that have 1000 x more training and experience than themselves. Last but not least is the kid who walks into the gym after watching the latest season of the Ultimate Fighter and proclaims "I want to fight in the UFC", or worse yet, the guy who says "I'm fighting in the upcoming ABC event and I need to train some MMA". These examples clarify how uninformed most people are about what it really takes to become an MMA fighter.

THE REAL STORY

Any of the girlfriends or wives of the fighters will tell you that they lead very boring lives. Boring of course is a relative term, boring in terms of how most people think and feel. Every day in the gym, constantly drilling the same moves and the same exercises over and over again, constantly watching what they eat, constantly in pain. For the wannabe fighter, this is too much to take. For the true Martial artist though, this is anything but boring. For the Martial artist, the gym is a sanctuary, a place to get away from all the trivial distractions of life. We are not thinking about work or the economy or politics. We know that our wives are going to be pissed at us, but it's okay, our outside problems will work themselves out. It's a place where everyone understands why you are there, why you push yourself. They are there to push you when you're having an off day and expect you to do the same for them. We are all in it for the same reason, to forge our bodies and more importantly to forge our minds, to become unstoppable. Our team is our family. No one on your team will ask you why you do it, they all know why.

WHO'S ASKING

The question "Why am I doing this?" usually comes from within. On those days when you are feeling particularly sore and things didn't go too well. Maybe you got tapped out by the new kid or maybe you were just one step behind your sparring partner and got hit more times than you'd like to admit. Maybe it's just late in the week and you're worn out and you start to wonder....Why? All your outside friends are going to the beach and having a BBQ with some beers and it sounds a lot easier and more relaxing than going to the gym. It's that guy on your shoulder saying "You don't need to train today, one day isn't going to make that much of a difference". Problem is, one day turns into two, and so on and so forth. We all have that voice, it's the voice of weakness, rationalizing all the reasons not to train. For some it's just a fleeting thought but for others it's a constant background noise and if it's not silenced, they start listening. The reason some ask themselves that question more often than others is because they don't really have the right answer. Some of the wrong answers might sound like this: "It keeps me out of trouble" or "So I can show all those people who doubted me" or worse "If anybody thinks they can take me, tell them to shut up and step in the ring".

WHY FIND YOUR WHY?

One of the most common words of wisdom passed down by Success Coaches is to find your "why" because if your why is strong enough the "how" doesn't matter. You will figure out how to achieve something when you know why you want it. The reason why we train so hard and step in the ring is different for everyone but after training for more decades than many others have years, I've come up with a pretty good answer. That answer comes in the form of another question which is; What am I capable of? How good can I get? The only way to find that out is to train like crazy and step into the ring to compare myself with others. I now ask myself as a coach. What am I capable of? And I always know why I need to be back in the gym. I know that I am capable of training world class athletes. If anyone is wondering what they are capable of, the answer is, anything you believe. I'd much rather answer that question to myself now than to ask later - What could I have done if only I had stuck with it?

Aloha, Coach Ermin

The darker side of winning

Aloha Team. Today's blog is the first in a series that I plan to do on a regular basis. I'd like to offer our team a little bit of insight into the lessons and philosophy that I have gained through nearly 40 years of Martial Arts training and more recently from my continuous studies in success coaching. My hope is that something I say might be just what one of you needs to hear and that by offering these insights, I might help someone transform their day, week or life into a better one for themselves and everyone else around them. My first title is The Darker Side of Winning.

The phrase "Winning isn't everything." gets used often, but most often it's used in the wrong context. Think about it. How often have you been consoled with that phrase just after losing? It never seems to help at that moment. How important is winning? It's very important when it is the result of one competitor doing his/her best and using superior conditioning, training and technique to achieve that win in competition. Winning can be extremely detrimental when it comes as the result of dishonesty. Deliberate manipulation by officials, competitors cheating by sandbagging (lying about experience level), cheating with the use of performance enhancement or cheating with borderline or all out dirty, illegal tactics. Much of this is all too common in Martial arts competitions today. These methods of winning are so detrimental to the winner in the long run that we should not be angry at the offender but feel sorry for them instead. Because in the overall picture of life, that person is really the loser. They have admitted to themselves that "I am not good enough to do it on my own". That message gets permanently burned into their subconscious mind and psyche. No amount of bragging, show boating and posturing can erase that. The person who commits such an atrocity against themselves will always use such wins as a crutch to support their shallow self esteem. In these cases, the one who "lost", if they performed with integrity, has truly won. I take it as a compliment when opponents feel the need to equalize things and enhance their chances of winning. It's even more rewarding when you win regardless of your opponents artificial advantages.

THE OTHER DARK SIDE OF WINNING

There is another, less obvious side to the need to win attitude, that takes place every day in gyms around the world. This comes in the form of ego based training where one person feels the need to win every encounter in training. This attitude works not only against the two training partners involved but against the overall performance of the entire team. Someone with an ego based, need to win attitude will use whatever means necessary to come out ahead on every exchange. If that's not possible because of experience level, size, strength or any other reason, they will be sure to clarify that fact every time. "You're too big", Too strong", I'm injured",Too high a belt". Another tactic used to support ones ego is to go balls out for whatever time they are capable of, to keep from losing, then calling a cardio, time out. "I gotta work on my cardio first". This type of student will normally use proper technique for as long as it suits their agenda and throw it all out when the going gets tough. This type of behavior can be easily identified by trainers. On the mat it looks like wild thrashing to avoid submissions or bad positions. In stand up sparring it usually shows up as a constant elevation in power punching and wild hay-makers, followed by a cardio time out.

The Problem With Winning

Several problems arise when this type of behavior is allowed in a training center. The first and most obvious is the frustration felt by the aggressive ones training partners. The newer students are usually targeted by them in order to win more matches. This not only frustrates newcomers and alienates them but it also hinders their ability to improve. In schools where this behavior is allowed, members quickly break up into different factions much like the typical schoolyard. The second problem works against the the Alpha dogs themselves because of their attitudes. In most cases, they progress slowly because of their training tactics. Their tendency is to hold others back to protect their egos. This ultimately works against them as they get accustomed to a lower level of competition. If it's not already obvious, this is the type of person that needs to cheat when they enter real competitions. Finally, the team as a whole suffers as different groups work independently and progress is slow for everyone.

A good coach knows that when a team works together to raise the level of all members, everyone benefits. It is the coaches' responsibility to foster the spirit of teamwork among classmates. We are always trying to communicate the importance of teamwork. T-E-A-M.... Together Everyone Achieves More. Most times a little talking to is all that's needed to keep things in line but occasionally one of the stubborn ones needs a little bit more. Whatever the case, a good coach will prevail.

Train to Win

So is the moral of the story not training to win? When in the gym, winning shouldn't be the main objective, but should come as a natural process of using clean technique. To achieve a high level of proficiency, everyone must train to win, but it must be tempered. For myself, I try to always spar at a technical level slightly higher than my opponent, I take some chances and sometimes let my self into tight situations where I could get beaten. When you do this, you will get caught from time to time. When it happens, it's no big deal, just honor your opponents move and bump the level up a notch next time. I also try to use a level of strength that is slightly lower than my opponent is using against me. This forces me to use superior technique to win. Of course, when rolling with the wild ones, I need to keep raising the strength level to a point just below theirs. When I get upset, at a disrespectful student, well that's another story. When everyone trains with this attitude, newcomers always feel that they are learning and everyone grows in skill more quickly. In turn this produces a multitude of highly skilled training partners to practice with and everyone wins. So is winning everything? It is when everyone wins

aloha, Coach